233Far From the True Feelings of That I Speak

I came to again realize this morning that so often times I do not live, even through my writing, in the true reality that I feel exists beyond the realm of most people’s awareness. Too often, as someone I love dearly has gently and recently noted, my posts here are cynical and condescending in nature. Ashamedly I admit, this is too true. However, such realizations have led to another great question in my mind. Does the failure to “practice” what one “preaches”, in whatever percentage of the time, diminish the authenticity of the belief itself?This morning I had a meeting at the Frothy Monkey on 12th Ave S and, of course, decided to stay for a bite to eat, some coffee, and to start on a book. So there I was, sitting on the deck surrounded by pets getting their picture taken with Santa (courtesy of Agape Animal Rescue) as I cracked open C. S. Lewis’s the Problem of Pain (that I received last Christmas). In the introduction, Lewis writes:

“When Mr. Ashley Sampson suggested to me the writing of this book, I asked leave to be allowed to write it anonymously, since, if I were to say what I really thought about pain, I should be forced to make statements of such apparent fortitude that they would become ridiculous if anyone knew who made them. Anonymity was rejected as inconsistent with the series; but Mr Sampson pointed out that I could write a preface explaining that I did not live up to my own principles! This exhilarating programme I am now carrying out. Let me confess at once, in the words of good Walter Hilton, that throughout this book ‘I feel myself so far from true feeling of that I speak, that I can naught else but cry mercy and desire after it as I may.‘”

And so I echo those words of C. S. Lewis and Walter Hilton. Many times I may not speak and act and live in the Love that I believe is the true reality, but I believe it still. My only hope is that I will gradually transition to spending more and more time in that true reality, while spending less and less time in this false reality of difference, separation, selfishness, and hate.

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